1. What’s considered trashy if you’re poor, but classy if you’re rich? Manipulating the stock market.

2. What did Russians use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.

3. How do WallStreetBets members jerk off? They give it a short squeeze.

4. My sister and her husband are throwing a gender reveal party for their soon to be born child. I’m damn excited to know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt!

5. The FBI are looking to recruit an assassin.. The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .. Kill him!!’ The woman said, ‘You can’t be serious I could never shoot my husband .’ The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.’ The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes. The woman came out with tears in her eyes, ‘I tried, But I can’t kill my husband .’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.’ Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to kill her with the fucking chair!’.